This post will cover in a hopefully succinct manner my past from childhood to current adulthood and what happened during those times and how they affected my mental health and how my mental health affected my ability to function in society.
During my school years I was and still am very poorly socially skilled and so was horribly and cruelly bullied over and over. There was no affection within my family, I was given everything I could want in terms a materialism such as toys etc but there was no encouragement, no physical contact, not even a smile. My mother never smiled and was always shouting painfully loudly which may have sparked my sensitivity to loud noises. She would call me useless, worthless and a waste of space daily and hearing that as a young child growing up it acts as brainwashing so you end up believing it. No matter how hard you try to escape that conditioning inflicted on you as a child you are stuck with it and it shapes who you become and how you act. I never knew my biological father and never asked as I simply didn't care. My adoptive father whom my mother married was just as reticent as I am and we have never spoken more than a sentence or two in our entire lives to each other. I am very much the black sheep of my family.
Abuse, bullying and just outright vicious physical attacks didn't stop after leaving home and school. People in various work places would abuse their authority over me and complete strangers in the street would attack me either because of misunderstandings or because they just wanted the pleasure of physically assaulting someone they saw as weaker than them or as a target. Of-course I could never fight back as knowing ridiculous UK law I would probably end up being the one charged with a crime for defending myself and my attacker would get a slap on the wrist and let go. I am tired of being a target for other peoples insecurities.
Leaving school I went through various jobs unable to hold them down for very long and then would spend time unemployed. This would go in cycles over the next 15 years. I didn't understand why I couldn't do or handle what other people found to be an easy daily routine of work. What was wrong with me? Was my mother right? Was I a waste of space and shouldn't have been born? Over those 15 years a did come dangerously close to taking my own life numerous times in times of extreme despair and self-loathing.
At the age of 20 after an intervention by my employer at the time I was diagnosed with depression. After seeking help in desperation because of my inability to hold down any kind of employment or function in the manner I saw other people do naturally I was eventually diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome. It was a lengthy process of interviews and testing by various professionals. Finally having an answer as to why I am the way I am I spent the next two to three years coming to terms with it.
Finally this is where I am today. Unable to hold down or even attain a job as employers don't want someone with mental health issues on the payroll but thats a topic for another time.
I may cover certain aspects of this post in greater detail later in other posts.
Next post I will cover physical health issues. This will briefly cross into mental health topic also.
During my school years I was and still am very poorly socially skilled and so was horribly and cruelly bullied over and over. There was no affection within my family, I was given everything I could want in terms a materialism such as toys etc but there was no encouragement, no physical contact, not even a smile. My mother never smiled and was always shouting painfully loudly which may have sparked my sensitivity to loud noises. She would call me useless, worthless and a waste of space daily and hearing that as a young child growing up it acts as brainwashing so you end up believing it. No matter how hard you try to escape that conditioning inflicted on you as a child you are stuck with it and it shapes who you become and how you act. I never knew my biological father and never asked as I simply didn't care. My adoptive father whom my mother married was just as reticent as I am and we have never spoken more than a sentence or two in our entire lives to each other. I am very much the black sheep of my family.
Abuse, bullying and just outright vicious physical attacks didn't stop after leaving home and school. People in various work places would abuse their authority over me and complete strangers in the street would attack me either because of misunderstandings or because they just wanted the pleasure of physically assaulting someone they saw as weaker than them or as a target. Of-course I could never fight back as knowing ridiculous UK law I would probably end up being the one charged with a crime for defending myself and my attacker would get a slap on the wrist and let go. I am tired of being a target for other peoples insecurities.
Leaving school I went through various jobs unable to hold them down for very long and then would spend time unemployed. This would go in cycles over the next 15 years. I didn't understand why I couldn't do or handle what other people found to be an easy daily routine of work. What was wrong with me? Was my mother right? Was I a waste of space and shouldn't have been born? Over those 15 years a did come dangerously close to taking my own life numerous times in times of extreme despair and self-loathing.
At the age of 20 after an intervention by my employer at the time I was diagnosed with depression. After seeking help in desperation because of my inability to hold down any kind of employment or function in the manner I saw other people do naturally I was eventually diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome. It was a lengthy process of interviews and testing by various professionals. Finally having an answer as to why I am the way I am I spent the next two to three years coming to terms with it.
Finally this is where I am today. Unable to hold down or even attain a job as employers don't want someone with mental health issues on the payroll but thats a topic for another time.
I may cover certain aspects of this post in greater detail later in other posts.
Next post I will cover physical health issues. This will briefly cross into mental health topic also.
