Pain, so very much pain. It never stops.

I never used to understand why some people would take their own lives over physical pain. Thanks to my constant migraines however I finally understand just how much pain the human body can generate and it is an obscene amount.

I went to my meeting with someone from the local council in the Social Work department this morning for a "Benefits check" set up by my social worker. Now I want to make something very VERY clear right off. I hate money, I don't want money and it disgusts me that I need money to survive in our society. If I could I would live my life happily isolated in an out of the way cave far from any civilisation and living off the land. I'm not stupid enough to think I could actually do that though. I'm not some hardened land foraging native who grew up learning how to survive off the land with ease. Though I wish I was just so I could escape society. I and everyone else needs money to survive in our society because thats the way our society is built sadly. It's disgusting and makes me physically sick to think about it but there is no way to change such an ingrained part of our culture. So we live with it as best we can.

Because of my health issues both physical and mental it means I cannot work and so need financial support from the government. Which I am glad is there and that I live in Scotland for if it wasn't I would have become homeless and died on the streets many many years ago before now.

Back to the meeting I hated every second of it. The person I met with was very nice, understanding and supportive. The best person you could hope to have in such a situation but that never ever stops my issues from flaring up. I felt sick, dizzy uncomfortably hot and as if my heart was about to be crushed under it's own weight. I was barely even there for an hour at most yet when I left I could already feel the usual twinge and crawling sensation in my skull that signals the coming of one of my worst migraines which are always brought on when I spend anytime out and about around people and noise. I returned home and fell immediately into bed but like always just tossed and turned for ten hours unable to sleep and in ever growing pain and nausea.

I woke briefly for an hour only to pass out again and sleep fitfully until now.

I currently have a freshly frozen icepack on my head, and my stomach is rattling with painkillers. The lights are off, I'm wearing my prescription sunglasses to block as much light as possible which is only coming from my laptop monitor which is at it's lowest brightness it can go to. All while I write this. This is a daily situation for me. This is how I spend my waking hours every day.

Once again back to the meeting. I keep digressing sorry. We talked, asked me about my ability to do certain tasks and looked over my psychological reports and such other paper work. Eventually she came to the conclusion that I could apply for PIP (Personal Independence Payment) though whether I would actually get it is anyones guess. I personally don't believe I will be awarded it from simple cynical realism. I don't believe in the fairy tale concept of fairness that other people do because it does not exist in reality. Just a fact of life. This is neither a negative or positive view simply a realistic one. No point giving yourself false hope after all.

The process for application involved a phone call, thankfully the person I met with did most of the talking and I just had to agree to some statements. Even that was too much though. I cannot express just how much I hate phones. I don't even own one I hate them that much.

So the process has begun for PIP, it's 1am as I write this and the silence around me is very comforting.

After writing this lengthy post I think that my next post should be a detailed one about employment to help people understand why I and other people with mental health issues can't get or hold down jobs. Trust me it is NOT because we don't want to work. However thats a subject for a later date. For now I will pass out from pain once again.

Good night everyone and I hope that my posts are at least helping to educate some of you out there what it's like to live with mental health issues. If they aren't please reply and with a constructive comment tell me how I could improve my posts to educate people.

Thank you for reading.

Place holder

Just had my meeting with someone at the Social Work department about my case. I am glad to be home now. I don't want to think about it. This post is really just a place holder/reminder for me to write about it fully later.
For now I just want to forget that the outside worlds even exists.

Lost friendships found once more? Maybe?

So while going through some old paperwork related to my health issues etc for a meeting I have with a social worker I unexpectedly came across an old letter from my room mate back at Edinburgh University.

Now I thought I had lost the letter and had given up hope of ever getting in contact with her again but with finding the letter maybe theres a chance... Assuming she hasn't moved home.

We both have mental health issues which we knew when we moved in together and over the course of the year I think we developed a strange sort of unspoken friendship. We were and still are very reticent and prefer to be alone so never talked much but still something formed between us and I want to try and rekindle that friendship if I can get in touch with her.

I find it confusing how our friendship formed. At no point can I say "This is when we started to become friends" it just sort of happened. Despite our clear social issues and phobias.

I think perhaps we both gave eachother the space we needed without constantly intruding on one another or bugging eachother. Perhaps we became like a comfortable sweater. ^_^ heh.

And so now to attempt to reforge that sentiment anew. Let us hope she still lives at the address written on the letter.

Hong Kong is a long way away after all. Not like I can travel there and search for her like I could in my own country.

Social work, housing and relationships?

So for years I have been trying to get my own home and live as independently as possible. However cost, red tape and bureaucracy have made it impossible and frustrating.
Recently however I had my first meeting with a Social Worker who has begun to help me with these issues. It's early days and I have no illusions about how long it may take to get my own place so I'm being patient. When your house bound for whatever reason you kind of have to be patient. ^_^ heh

Something regarding relationships came up briefly during my meeting with the Social Worker. A subject I hadn't thought about in many years. I had assumed because of both my physical and mental health issues AND my lifestyle that no one would want to have a relationship with me. Now though... I've started thinking about it again and I don't really know what to think. It also affects my choice of where to live.

My plan is to either move to the country along the coast or to the centre of the City of Edinburgh. Within the city I would have a much easier time of meeting someone and help that relationship to grow as well as the museums and librarys etc. (I love to learn. What can I say? I'm not a NED.) However the city is filled with constant noise and people... so many people. Both of which I hate and just make my health issues worse. If I stay away from people I tend to be relatively stable. The country however is peaceful, quiet and beautiful but it doesn't exactly have the best in the ways of infrastructure.
There are pros and cons to both and I must decide on one. I don't know which to choose however. I'm stuck.
I want the peace and quiet of the country but the convenience of the city. An unrealistic desire I know whic means I will HAVE To decide. It may just take some time.

I will go into more detail on relationships and mental health issues at a later date. It is a huge subject fraught with many contradictions and pitfalls so expect a lengthy post.

Physical health issues

I have been a mostly physically healthy person throughout my childhood into adulthood but around the age of 25 I started developing headaches which were a minor nuisance at first slowly grew over the years to constant crippling migraines everyday all day. (Which is one of the many reasons I haven't updated this blog till now. Sorry.) Piankillers don't work most of the time and when they do they barely take the edge off.
I have a lot of trouble staying awake so find myself partially unconscious for most of the day but never truly asleep. I constantly toss and turn and am fully aware of it, so my guess is that I am barely dozing at best and never really reach REM sleep which is where your body is able to get it's best form of rest.
I use a combination of occassional painkillers and rotated frozen icepacks when I am awake to deal with the pain as best I can. I'm not sure why but the ice packs help me stay awake that little bit longer and help me be a little more alert.
The worst part for me personally is being unable to concentrate, being in a constant drowsy daze. For me my mind is who I am. NOT my body. My body is irrelevant and so being unable to even use my mind for the things I want is very frustrating and upsetting. I have yet to find something that can help me with that. And no caffeine doesn't work. Trust me, I've tried all sorts.
Strangely though I can't stay awake during the daylight hours I CAN however stay awake much more easily during the night. Granted still in pain and with the usual drowsy daze I'm always in but rather than falling asleep every 2 to 4 hours I can sometimes stay awake for 6 or if I'm very lucky a full 8 hours before slipping into my usual fitful sleep. I'm guessing it has something to do with light sensitivity though I have always had an easier time of staying awake at night rather than the day so I cannot say that with all certainty.
Various other physical health issues which would turn this post into a novel I will forego writing about here. Suffice to say I find it difficult to live any other sort of life than the house bound hermit. Considering I prefer to be alone this isn't a bad thing. I just wish I could use my mind more freely than I can right now.

To be able to actually remember things both short and long term would be a wonderful thing to start with.