Monday, 16 December 2013

Suicide follow up / clarification

I failed to anticipate the reactions some people would have to my previous post about Suicide would be. I failed to take into account that most people do not live with depression or the threat of suicide constantly and so maybe confused and or shocked by my frank and open discussion of the topic.
I didn't realise that I may have painted an unintentional picture that I am in immediate danger of taking my own life. This is not the case.
I was born this way, depression and the threat of suicide in my daily life is part of who I am. For some people depression and suicide is brought on by specific life events such as for example the death of a loved one. For myself my brain is genetically predisposed to depression and suicide. It's the way my brain is built and so I have always been this way since childhood onwards and always will be this way. It's not something that can be fixed through counseling as trying to do so is equivalent to trying to cure cancer through counseling. It just isn't possible.
As there currently is no cure for cancer there is no cure for my genetically flawed brain. As with cancer there are only treatments. In my case I take 60mg of Fluoxetine a day to stabilise my mood. I never feel happy but thanks to the medication and my self imposed isolation I don't often have crippling bouts of suicidal levels of depression either.

While I'm writing perhaps I should go into more detail. While most people see the world filled with colour and life my own mind sees the world in lifeless monochrome. Nothing feels real to me and I often feel empty of all emotion. Or it's possible that I do feel emotion but am unable to recognise it for what it is until after the fact. It's difficult to care about anything even yourself when the only thing that feels real to you is your own mind.

Much of what I'm talking about here and in previous posts maybe difficult for some people to understand or even find shocking. Please remember that this is who I am just in the same way you may be shy or aggressive. It's the way our brains are built. Just as people have difficulty understanding me and my view on life I find it difficult to understand other people and their cares and thoughts.

I have taken this quote for the use in not only Depression and having the capacity for suicide but also aspergers syndrome. I feel it may help convey to others what it's like or perhaps just the differences.

"If the neurotypical (NT) mind is a boat, my mind is a bike. NTs don't get that.
They just think I run a mighty strange boat. They assume I'm in the water and have an engine and a rudder and occasionally jump over the side for a nice swim. They assess and judge me in terms of boats and, when I'm not boat-like, they assume there's something wrong with my boat.
But I'm a bike. I'm not compatible with boat rules. I steer with handlebars, use pedal power, and I don't jump over the side because it's a hard road I'll land on. If they could be made to understand that I'm a bike, they would then see that all of my behaviour is logical - for a bike rider.
Then I could teach them about bikes, and they could teach me about boats.
Source: a posting onaspergeradults.ca in 2008"
I can't understand people who obsess over money and they probably can't understand why I am the way I am and that's fine. We can be who we are without having to be in eachothers heads so long as we just accept each other for who we are.
Now I feel I am ramblings so I will end this post here.
One thing I will finish this post with however is my own confusion at peoples fear of death. Death comes to us all so fearing it is ridiculous to me. Yet thinking that is exactly why people think me strange. It's a two way street of misunderstanding and confusion.