Friday, 4 July 2014

Atos home appointment set and personal dreams.

It has been a while I know and I am sorry to both my readers and to myself. I want to write so much more often than I currently am but as always my physical health makes it very hard. I will think of something eventually I guess.

So a letter from ATOS stating the date and time for my home assessment, 7th of July, arrived today. Almost one year after applying for Personal Independence Payment in the UK. I am of course freaking out. In order to stay as calm as possible I just keep repeating to myself over and over again that it doesn't matter, I don't matter, nothing matters. So long as I hold no hope, desire or expectation for anything at all or sense of self preservation then I am able to keep my anxiety from turning into a full blown panic attack. Though I wonder how well that trick will work on the day of the assessment with a stranger sitting across from me in my home, my sanctuary from the world of madness outside... We shall see.
I fully expect that my application for PIP will ultimately be rejected and I will have to spend another year going through the appeals process. Why go through all this trouble? I don't want to trust me. In fact I don't want the money but sadly because of the way modern society is constructed I do need it to survive which is infuriating. I would love nothing more than to find a cave somewhere and live out my life in solitude there but I'm not so foolish as to think I could actually survive. I live with my grandparents and am nothing but a burden on them. My grandmothers memory is slipping and she often repeats things many times thinking she's saying them for the first time. My grandfather is registered blind. I am ashamed to be a burden on them. I should have a job, my own place etc but I know I am not capable of it. The money from PIP may give me just enough to afford a place of my own and I would no longer be such a pathetic burden on my family.

While thinking of the forth coming ATOS assessment my mind turned to possible things I could make employment out of. I spend hours on Google Earth using street view to explore the rural areas of Japan for small village shrines and Buddhist altars etc. I have a deep obessession for Japan in general but particularly the historic culture, away from the cities. It got me to thinking, if I were to travel to Japan and spend a few months exploring the out of the way areas that interest me culturally could I write about it or video it and somehow turn that into some sort of travel documentary employment? Would anyone at all be interested in such content? How would I turn such a thing into payed employment? Self employment? So many questions and no answers to a probably impossible dream.
Firstly I don't have a passport and secondly where would I get the funds to do that kind of trip? The more I think about it the more impossible it sounds. Yet I still dream of it. The only dream I have left that I hold onto. Maybe one day... maybe...