Friday, 28 August 2015

That sense of futility.

I wake up each day numb or angry. Numb to a world that seems colourless and without interest. Angry for no reason at all that I can ascertain except it just happens. Possibly an unconscious reaction to my life situation? Who knows. Mostly commonly however I am numb to the world around me. Nothing interests me, I cannot take pleasure/enjoy anything except my singular obsession of Anime. The stories and colours of my subject of obsession give me a sense of living vicariously through the characters and they're own world.
I take no pleasure in anything else despite trying many many things in the past. When I was younger I tried rock climbing, archery, martial arts, general ball sports ie basketball, Art ie drawing, Landscape photography and so on. Various activities that give millions of people across the globe pleasure yet I felt nothing. If anything I felt coldly empty which sadly is a mainstay of my psyche it seems.
So what is the purpose of my life? What reason do I continue to breathe? Why don't I end such a shallow pointless existence? Honestly I ask myself that every day. Yet I keep on living. Why? A mixture of anti-depressants and my over whelming desire to experience new stories. Always more stories. Some people are addicted to gambling, drugs, alcohol and even adrenaline. I'm addicted to the stories I can experience via Anime.
Is such a life worth living? If you were to ask a traditionalist within society they would most likely answer that I am a waste of space and should just kill myself. Yet I've noticed a slight shift in public opinion as the long, then short, years dragged on. The vast majority is still that of the narrow minded traditionalist yet theres a slowly growing voice of people who are willing to understand our mental and physical health issues and saying "It's ok to be you. You are who you are, don't be ashamed of it."
This new slowly building wave of educated understanding; I'm not sure where it's heading or what it will create but it's helping me feel more at ease with myself and my issues.
Life may be largely pointless without enjoyment/pleasure but so long as we keep living theres a chance to find or build something that will give us the pleasure we need to live.
Try not to listen to and internalise the tranditionalists vile mantra as I sadly do. Focus on being yourself and finding something that gives your own life meaning for yourself and for no one elses expectations.
We only have one life. Don't waste it by ending it early or chasing a lifestyle others tell you you should be living.